jokes


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1. WG: Grandmothers versus Grandfathers (fwd)
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy– just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly driven and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.
Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single asshole, queer, piece of shit, horse’s ass, tree hugger, socialist left wing Obama lover, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim camel humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!”
We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
Note: reminds me of the time years ago when I took my young son to Hardee’s for lunch. A car was blocking the driveway and it took what seemed an inordinate amount of time to finally park the car. My son said nothing about it at the time but when we got home, he ran into the house all smiles saying: “Hey Mom, guess what, Dad said the A-word, the S-word, the F-word” and probably a few other assorted words.
Moral of the story: you don’t have to be a grandpa to give your kids a fun day.

2. My name is alice, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 46-odd years ago.
could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?
upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.  This
balding, gray-haired old man with the deeply lined face was way too old to
have been my classmate.
after he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high
school …
“yes. Yes, i did. I’m a mustang,” he gleamed with pride.
‘when did you graduate?’ I asked.
He answered, ‘in 1967…WHY Do you ask?’
‘you were in my class!’, I exclaimed.
he looked at me closely.then, that ugly,old,bald,wrinkled-faced,fat-assed,gray-haired,decrepit  son-of-a-bitch asked,
“what did you teach???”

 

3. This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after. Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers with humor … “No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving… on the other side of the bloody car!”

4.This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcotest (breath test) him and asks the Englishman if he knows under French Law why he is going to be arrested.. The Englishman answers with humor … “No sir, I do not! But while we’re asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving… on the other side of the bloody car!”

 

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